If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
