Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
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He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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