Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
