This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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