Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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