lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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