i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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