Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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