It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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