My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
