Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
