I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
