mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We had to coat check the pizza.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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