A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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