Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
