omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
