I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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