While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
