life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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