i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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