My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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