I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is Oprah even human
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
