Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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