I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize