Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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