My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
