I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
