You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
