Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
