I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
