I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
