That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
