There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
