My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
