I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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