I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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