I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
