it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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