What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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