I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
