Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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