Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
