she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
