Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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