Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
