If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
