YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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