Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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