I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
