It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
