If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
