he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
