he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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