you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
