I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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