Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
pop tarts are not kleenex
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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