Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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