one two three fourrrrnication!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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